Enjoying Thanksgiving Break with Your Visiting College Student

Thanksgiving break can be such a wonderful time for parents and their returning college students. While parents simply look forward to having their child at home, students cannot wait to catch up with friends, gorge on home cooking, and relax in the comforts of home.

As you plan the visit, I encourage parents to expect changes in their student’s tastes, behaviors, and routines. It is important to keep in mind that your child has been living an independent life for the past few months with few rules. Your student will most likely have changed in ways that reflect her movement toward adulthood.

So, as you shop and chop and ready for your student’s arrival here are some things to think about.

1. About your bedroom…. How has home life changed since your student left? How will your child fit back into your new family dynamic and routines? Is another sibling now used to being the oldest and getting first dibs on the car? Has your college student’s bedroom been taken over by someone or something else? Have patience. It may take time for your student to fit back into your family’s routine.

2. You’re a vegan?! Your child will certainly have new thoughts and opinions to share with you. How will you react to these changes in your child? Remember part of the college experience is exploration and self-awareness.

3. No, you cannot have a beer. Your student may expect the same freedoms he experiences at school. Be clear about your expectations regarding curfews, whether he needs to let you know his whereabouts, and household duties. A college-aged child will likely require new, age-appropriate rules.

4. Dinner is at 5, not breakfast. Your student’s schedule has probably shifted. Late nights and late starts to the day are common in college. Can their schedule fit into your family’s routine? Be clear with your needs and expectations.

5. It’s like pulling teeth! Your student may not wish to share college experiences with you. He may want to separate his home life from his school life. Though, he probably cannot wait to tell high school friends all about his new life at college. Don’t take offense.

6. Please shut up! Conversely, she may want to tell you all about college friends, classes, events that are important to her, but mean little to you. Be patient. This is her new life.

7. But I haven’t spent any time with you! Let your student know the schedule regarding visits with family so he can plan outings with friends around family time.

 

Thanksgiving break is a good time to evaluate your child’s well-being. Take stock of your child’s appearance and mood. Has she lost a good deal of weight? Does he appear disheveled, dirty, depressed, or anxious? Can she get out of bed? Does he want to see old school friends? Should you be concerned? If you notice anything awry in your child’s demeanor or appearance be sure to take the time to check in with your child before she returns to college.

Most importantly, enjoy your time with your evolving young person. That’s what life as a parent is all about.

Fear and Loathing and the Freshman Roommate

Your freshman year in college starts soon. New school. New home. New roommate.

If the thought of living with someone you don’t know seems uncomfortable, creepy even, you’re not alone. I’ll bet your future college roommate feels the same way!

Whether you utilize your college’s “roommate finder” resource or decide to room with a high school friend, sharing living space with another person can get complicated.

With a roommate you will have to navigate a new type of relationship without your parents serving as referee. If you’re dreading the experience I suggest you switch your way of thinking from fear and loathing to wonder and anticipation. You never know what you might learn about your new roommate and about yourself.

Here are a couple of tips to help you navigate the journey.

Communicate

Effective communication skills will serve you throughout your adult life and in all your adult relationships. Before school starts contact your new roommate and communicate basic information: Are you a late riser or an early riser? Do you have the TV or music on during study time? Do you fall asleep with the TV or music on? Will you have visitors during the week? Do you drink alcohol/use drugs? Do you want to decorate the room together? What are you bringing and what will I bring?

Once school begins, if something is bothering you don’t stew and let issues become bigger than they need to be. Rather, discuss any problems with your roommate when you are in a calm mood. Remember to use your “I” statements: “I’d prefer…., I feel hurt when…., I don’t understand…” “I” statements express your point of view rather than an accusatory point of view.

Empathy

As a roommate you are entering into a relationship with another person. Relationships have two sides, not just yours. Always keep in mind that you are not the only person in that tiny dorm room. You are not the only person missing home and friends. You are not the only person stressed out by so many papers and finals. Get to know your roommate and try to understand his point of view, especially if he’s different than you.

Kindness

Assume the best, not the worst, in your roommate. If something happens that bothers you assume your roommate didn’t intend to hurt you and communicate your feelings and preferences. Don’t you hope your roommate thinks the best of you?

Tolerance

It’s important that you learn to tolerate differences. You’ll be practicing tolerance the rest of your life at work and in your other relationships (just ask your parents!) Also, keep in mind that your roommate must tolerate your way of doing things as well.

During the next four years you will change and grow intellectually, socially, emotionally, and psychologically in ways that now you can’t quite conceive of. The freedom to choose your own schedule and set your own rules will allow you to begin to define who you’ll be as an independent adult. While you may describe yourself one way today, by the end of even your freshman year you may be emerging as a whole new you.

So, if you are matched with a roommate who isn’t like you? Relax. Maybe he’s more like the emerging “you” than you thought.

Is My Teenager Depressed? Recognizing the Symptoms of Depression in Teens

“I can’t tell if my teenager is just moody or if he is depressed. What’s the difference?”

In my private psychotherapy practice I get asked this question a lot by worried parents wondering about the dividing line between usual adolescent moodiness and clinical depression. It’s a good question.

Teenagers can be very moody. They can also sometimes be downright surly. The pendulum swing between the emotional polarities of happy to sad may fluctuate rapidly. It’s only when the pendulum gets “stuck “ on sadness, and your teen’s feelings of hopelessness and helplessness interfere with his ability to succeed in school, enjoy family and friends, engage in life, that your teen may need some help in getting his pendulum moving again.

During their teenage years adolescents experience a good deal of mental and physical growth. According to researchers, the developing teen brain makes as many new connections as a newborn infant’s. We all know how much physical change occurs during the teen years. This growth of brain and body can be physically exhausting for teens. In fact, the average teen requires more sleep than a newborn baby. Emotional and psychological maturation also occur. All this growth and change helps the adolescent develop their sense of self, an identity.

It can be difficult for parents to see their “sweet little child” suddenly turn into a person they no longer recognize. Well, guess what, your child may not recognize herself either. It’s no wonder that your teenager may sit in her room alone for hours feeling confused and scared by her changing self. Add to this mix outside stressors such as grades, college, changing peer relationships, and leaving home. For the majority of adolescents, this too shall pass. However, if your child is among the 11% of teens experiencing symptoms of depression here are some signs to look for.

Sadness is the number one sign of depression. Along with sadness, notice any changing behavior in your teen. I found this helpful video from BeSmartBeWell.com, a health and wellness website, in which Ken Duckworth, MD, Medical Director of the National Alliance on Mental Illness lists five symptoms to look for in your teen.

Have your child’s sleeping patterns changed; is your child no longer interested in interacting with friends; is your child using drugs or alcohol; does your child experience physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomachaches; is your child talking about harming himself?

Most importantly it’s crucial to keep in mind, as Dr. Duckworth points out in his video, depression in teens is real, and it is treatable.

Clinical Anxiety in Teens

In my private psychotherapy practice anxiety in teens is a common reason for seeking treatment. Some level of anxiety is a normal, albeit uncomfortable part of life. However, when your child’s level of anxiety and worry is excessive and begins to significantly impact their life-in school, at home, or with friends-it may be time to seek professional help to determine whether your teenager is struggling with clinical anxiety.

What are some signs of anxiety?

General Anxiety Disorder is defined as “excessive anxiety or worry for at least six months.” Well, what is considered “excessive?” You as a parent have to use your best judgment, because no one knows your child as well as you.

Some kids are able to tell parents when they are struggling. They may say things such as, “I feel out of control;” “I hate myself;” “I don’t know what’s wrong with me;” “Nobody likes me;” “I can’t do anything;” “I wish I was dead.”

Here’s a website run by teens (anxietyinteens.org) which includes their stories of anxiety told in their own words. Maybe you’ll recognize your own child in one of these stories.

Other teenagers use behaviors to communicate their feelings. What to look for? Some signs of excessive anxiety include complaints of stomachaches or headaches, school refusal, falling grades, increased social isolation, crying, irritability, eating disorders, cutting, and other self-harming behaviors, including substance abuse.

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that anxiety often occurs along with other disorders or issues a teen might face such as ADHD, a learning disorder, or depression.

What does my teen have to be anxious about?

Among adolescents 13-18 years old, it’s estimated that 8% have an anxiety disorder. That means that approximately two kids in each of your teen’s classes are dealing with anxiety.

According to the National Institutes of Health website, research indicates that during the teen years there is marked growth and change to the physical mechanisms of emotion. Brain development and changes in hormonal systems affect the way teens handle stress and react emotionally.

The NIH website includes this interesting fact:

“Brain scans of teens sizing each other up reveal an emotion circuit activating more in girls as they grow older, but not in boys. This finding highlights how emotion circuitry diverges in the male and female brain during a developmental stage in which girls are at increased risk for developing mood and anxiety disorders.”

In addition to the physical changes happening during the teen years, our kids live in a fast-paced world with 24/7 access to friends and information. Home no longer provides a sanctuary from the pressures of their lives. Who’s dating whom, to which parties were they not invited? Why wait for Monday morning to find out, when all this information is just a button click away? Add the pressure of grades, test scores and college acceptance, and life can feel much too stressful.

Anxiety can be a paralyzing impediment in your child’s life. It doesn’t have to be. Anxiety is a treatable disorder.

So…talk to your teen. How’s he doing?